CUPERTINO, CA—With the latest versions of its most popular product scheduled for release at the end of the week, Apple announced Tuesday that iPhones would no longer be compatible with the human hand. “The iPhone 14 will be the first to incorporate groundbreaking technology that makes it completely inoperable by fingers, thumbs, the palm of the hand, or even a fist,” CEO Tim Cook said to great applause at a developers conference, showing the audience how the new device was able to remain totally unresponsive to any tapping, scrolling, or swiping motion he made with his hands or feet. “We’ve outfitted the 14 with highly innovative haptic technology that prevents the phone from doing anything at all when we attempt to interact with it using our increasingly outdated biology. We know it will take some getting used to, but we think that in a decade or so, people will look back and remember how quaint it was that they once used the digits of their hands to operate an iPhone. And if this sounds like a drastic, unnecessary change that no one asked for, that’s because it is. From now on, everybody can just keep their grubby little mitts off our beautifully designed products.” At press time, Apple acknowledged it was busy developing a proprietary adapter that would eventually allow the iPhone 14 to connect indirectly to a human hand.
