Diablo 4 releases on Windows PC, Xbox and Playstation consoles on June 6, and following the Developer Livestream last night that detailed what to expect in the endgame, we can see that this game is going to completely consume us.
Following not one, but two weekends of beta testing, fans have been clamoring for more time in the world of Sanctuary, and June is just too far. Blizzard heard our prayers and pleas loud and clear and are blessing us with a third rodeo, the Server Slam which takes place May 12-14 and gives us the opportunity to test all the changes made following player feedback and testing.
Diablo 4 will be the first live service version of the franchise, with regular seasons and a battle pass to complete, and the endgame activities they have promised look thorough and engaging. With 46 days to go until launch, now would be the best time to get some quality time in with your significant other if you have one, as Lilith will command your full attention.
Inspired by a well-meaning Reddit thread, here are our own tips to save your relationship and make sure you don’t finish the first Battle Pass single and alone.
Spend the next 46 days giving them nothing BUT attention
Make your partner so sick of your constant attention that they will be relieved by your instant drop in interest from June 6.
From now, follow them around the house making kissy-kissy sounds. Interrupt them in the bathroom to ask for hugs. If they are at work, send a selfie of you looking sad and forlorn at hour intervals. Offer to feed them their meals. Wake them up in the middle of the night to tell them you miss them. You get the idea.
Adjust your sleep schedule
Start training now to have enough hours in the day to play Diablo 4 and spend time with your other half. Experts recommend at least 7-9 hours of sleep a night, but what do they know? That’s time you could be finding all of the Altars of Lilith.
To spend more time with your beloved during the daylight hours, reduce your sleep by 3.5 hours a night, set an alarm each day for around 4 am, or whatever works with your schedule, to get a few more hours of demon slaying in before your love wakes and demands your attention. Sleep is for the weak.
Pre-prepare meals
Buy a chest freezer, cook up a bunch of easy, freezable meals now, then when it’s your turn to cook dinner you can save valuable loot farming time by simply microwaving a feast for your family.
Alternatively, you can pre-purchase pails of emergency food from Amazon, buckets of dried macaroni cheese and fettuccine alfredo, just add water! Your domestic partner will be thrilled with your creativity in the kitchen.
Use artificial intelligence to respond to texts
In the middle of a Nightmare Dungeon and your partner is sending messages asking how you are? Did you do the laundry? Have you got dressed or showered today? Who has time to respond to these questions when you’re trying to upgrade your paragon glyphs?
Microsoft SwiftKey is your answer. Taking inspiration from South Park’s Chat GPT episode, download Swiftkey Beta to have a handy Bing Chat button on your mobile keyboard, this will respond to messages on your behalf and you can even ask it to be a little more affectionate to keep your significant other content and feel appreciated.
Immortalize their visage
We know you’ve already played the two beta weekends and no doubt if a devotee, you entered the sweepstake for a chance at having your player portrait depicted on The Chapelle des Jesuites Cathedral. Take this competition as inspiration, and show your devotion to your life partner by breaking into a beautiful building of significant historical importance and painting their face on the ceiling. If there is nothing quite as grand as a cathedral nearby, the local KFC will do. They’ve already pledged their allegiance to our Blessed Mother.
Play co-op
In all seriousness, slaughtering the spawn of the Black Abyss is best enjoyed with friends and family. If you have a partner who also plays games, it’s likely you’ll be enjoying Diablo 4 together.
You can play with up to four players in a party, or couch co-op for two players on a console, so there’s no need to end the Eternal Conflict alone. Just remember the Fields of Hatred are no place for romance.
